There’s one thing I’ve learned about myself in all of this…  It is something that I had never thought about before, and certainly don’t understand.

And in all likelihood, I am coming to realize that I will never understand. I will seemingly never know who was on my side, who wasn’t, who cared and who didn’t.

So, maybe no one cared. So, maybe everyone cared.

Or maybe, just maybe, I cared about all of you, each and everyone of you too much…

So, that’s it – I think – my biggest flaw. And the one that is impossible to fix. It is my very identity. Caring about others. I could say that I don’t care that my phone never rings, that no text messages come, I could say that I don’t search desperately for a smile on the streets, that there’s a pair of arms out there waiting for me to fold myself into. I could say that I don’t desperately wish for someone to tell me that I am ok.

But to say those things would mean that I’m a liar. Many times over. I do care, I care deeply. I care immensely. And it tore me apart. It still does.

I have always been the person who pursued others, of friendship or relationships, or just to have human contact. For no other reason than connection, community, experience, and to learn from those who I may share a moment with.

And I have always framed it just like this: I never give up on people that have connected to my life. I do not believe that there are people that traverse our lives for a reason, season, or …..whatever the rest of that quote is..

When I have placed you in my heart, when you became part of the fabric of my being, you will always be there. It’s because I saw something in you, because I believe in you. I believe that we share a unique time in space, together.

What I seem to be experiencing is that not all others ever saw it this way. You mattered to me, every day. You matter to me, in many different ways.

When I believe in someone, it is with my whole heart, my whole psyche, it’s a mosaic I have treasured.

And now that’s al changed. I don’t know how to take the cues from others, I can understand subtle hints. I cannot tell whether you’re talking to me or just an observation of life.

I am alone, almost every single day. And I wonder where it went. – I just wonder where they’ve gone to… 

Actively, I take the blame for my failures, I take blame for the destruction of my mind, the fear that grips me, and the walls I have had to put back up. I don’t like your decisions, they made me exist in an abyss.

I’m always there for them, pushing them to be friendly, standing there waiting for my turn to be important to them. Reaching out to know if they’re ok.

I’m always the one that seems to have funny stories and memories, the keepsakes and mementos, and the sentimentality attached to those bonds.

But that lesson has not been more amplified than in this most recent exercise.

It has been incredibly amazing how silent all of my communication channels have been.

Even when you’re wrong. Even when your heart is broken. And even when you’re praying that this was all a dream. Even when you hoped beyond all measure, and all seemingly impossible dreams. Even when you know I love you.

Maybe some day, you’ll want me once again. You’ll need me once again.

I wish that you’re going to turn around. Open your front door, and it’s going to be the person you wish was there the whole time.

Why cannot that happen in this real world? Why cannot life have a happy moment or two. A moment of thanks. Why cannot dreams come true?

This is me.

Standing on my own two feet.

Awkwardly Alone. (Not entirely)

But proud. Sad, but proud.

This is me wondering why.
This is me broken inside.

I loved you this whole time.

I hoped, I prayed, I dreamed. I wished.

I tried. I kept trying. But mostly I cried.

And today, I don’t know where I’ll go.

And today, I still cannot let you all go.

And today, all I know, or have known.

Is locked away in my heart, in my soul,

And I still don’t know where I will go.