I find myself lost within this space.

Where is my identity? What is that face that stares back at me? He looks familiar, he has my sense of style but there’s a sadness in his eyes that I’ve never seen before.
It’s sometimes replaced with the vacancy I’ve known all too well.

That vacancy, it was my hell, it was my cell, it was the place into the darkness I fell.
That emptiness was the man I was for far too much of my life.

Who I am today? Who I strive to be, is the one who is capable of being loved, who is capable of loving without restraint.

This man does not hesitate, the one I want to be. This man trusts in those who do not wish him harm.

It’s who I have always been and where will we, us two, go from here?

No matter how many times I reach out for you, I realize: There will be no “us” like I imagined it would be.

There will be no justice, there will be no juntos, there will be just us.

There is no we, I am realizing, you and I.

I have always hoped that somehow you and I could find a way forward that I would never have to let you go. That I would never have to feel these cuts. The cuts you deftly delivered.

The you who tore me apart.  
 
The you who left me like this:
Confused, Confident, Lost, Found.
Wishing. Diminishing.
Shattered into a million pieces.  
The fractured reflection illuminating the darkness
the jagged edges and the growing sickness.

Then, there is the me who gave me my strength.

The me, who has always found strength by lifting others up.

Who has always lifted others up from a base of pure joy.

I will find that joy again. I will live that joy again.

It’s a lonely place to be, with me,
My desire is wanting to see us all rise together.

Yours is to see me sinking further.

Even if it means I have to be alone forever.  

From above and below,

let the balloons fly.