Who said wishes will ever come true?

Someone, whomever they are, thought of it, and someone believed it.

And the story keeps getting repeated,

Dreams are launched, forever growing, on the tale being told.

And this whole time, I have wished,

Every day, to see your face, to hear your voice,

To once again feel your love.

I have prayed, conjured, cajoled, begged, pleaded, and sat in contemplative silence,

Thinking of those who I hoped you would be, who I hoped you would see.

Maybe I got it all wrong, maybe I didn’t.

The thing that everyone, I think, has missed,

I have always held hope,

I had hope that my friendships would endure,

I had hope that the truth would come to me, at last,

I had hope that there will be a happy ending,

I do not know what happiness looks like,

True happiness is not found in isolation.

True happiness is not found in your judgement.

It is not found in war.

It is not even found in hope.

True happiness is not found for everyone,

Solely Inside themselves.

For those who believe in a cookie cutter solution,

Have been spoon fed this message since the dawn of psychology.

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What is the quickest way to make a depressed person even more depressed?

By telling them “JUST BE HAPPY.”

That happiness is solely a choice.

The quickest way to make a person feel unloved, alone, and afraid that the world is out to get them?

Disregard their feelings are valid.

Show them they’re not worthy of being informed.

The knife that cuts deeper than anything?

Allude to some vague reward, or some future whatever,

That they’ll miss out on a future if they don’t just be happy.

Because every day, every day since this charade began,

I have been begging for answers.

I guess what I am saying here is that before all of this started, I was happy,

Before all this started, I was confident, relaxed, with a sense of pride,

I was also destroying myself,

I was unhappy in a marriage.

Because I became unhappy in my marriage.

Through a great deal of therapy, I pulled myself up.

I broke down years of walls, released years of pent up emotions.

And did my best to work through that pain,

I was ready for the leap,

I felt the slow cold grip of depression right before I left and right after I landed.

Through it all I was still happy.

My confidence was shaken,

I was blessed to have those who continued to be interested in my life,

Stayed connected with me.

I found a man with whom I connected immediately,

That connection grew rather quickly, like quickly turned into love.

It was always love. there is something about it,

Some asterisk that always made me question it.

Some reason why I couldn’t quite trust it.

I believe, it’s because there were other forces at play at the same time.

I believe that I was the target of someone’s cruel joke, or cruel intentions.

I guess I will never know for sure.

I guess I am destined to not know.

I still remain hopeful that love is out there,

As my life goes on, it goes, there always seems to be another asterisk. 

There is some heaviness in the air.

There are things left unspoken, barely mentioned, or seemingly, intentionally, removed from my line of sight, yet remains just in the peripheral view.

Not close enough to see. close enough that I’m unable to ignore.

I guess I am asking at this point is, regardless of what my reaction is going to be….

If I cannot be brought into the fold, if I am to be left out in the cold.

Then so let it be, let me be on my way.

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I am not a normal person,

I cannot be solved by Brene Brown.

I cannot be solved by The Great Gatsby,

I cannot be solved by the Grapes of Wrath.

I cannot be solved by random quotes and pop psychology.

I am trying to do the right thing,

I am trying to move on and to embrace the growth,

Every time I step to move on to the next thing,

There is a deliberate attempt to put me back in the box.

Without question, without answer, without remorse.

It just keeps coming like an impending meteor.