You asked me, once why I stay.
Why do I keep subjecting myself to these attacks?
You asked me why I went after you, reaching for your hand?
After all the things you’ve done to make me feel less of a man?

When it began is hard to say, It could have been before I moved,
Or when I left you and moved away,
It could have been when I arrived a quarter of the world away,
Or when I ceded the state of my home to the the one I once loved,
When it began is important to my life, my pride, and my healing.
Not wanting to reveal anything, you go deeper, and your lips continue their sealing.

After my birthday, either here, or there,
When he and I, the one who set my psyche aflame,
Who time after time, emotional scar after scar, gets most of the blame. Was the last perfect moment I felt, standing with him after the breakfast that we made.
In his arms I fell and around the kitchen we swayed.
There were no pretenses, no story I had to tell, just what I now understand to be the opening of the gates of my own personal hell.

Not long after, the cracks started appearing, the questions, the intuition, the intimidation, the unnecessary treatment, and the unsettled moments began.

As I tried to hold on to what was reflected in my eyes.
Now I’m left to wonder how much of it all was lies.
Answers that never come and why the reprise?
When I should run, I should fight back, or should I lay down and continuously take your barbaric attack?

When I had you in my arms the laughs kept coming,
in those moments I felt it, a perfect harmony I believed in,
I tore down my walls and let you climb right in.

Feeling like I was deserving of the love between this pair,
So often I felt you leaving, provoking over and over my greatest fear,
As you pulled away I felt you slipping through my fingers, all I felt was air.
Of your best disappearing act your ghosting kept making yourself clear,
But I kept asking, begging, wanting you back.
Falling as I did, allowing you to destroy all that I built within, I gave myself over in all your targeted attacks.

These events should have proved to you the real man I am, that I was, the kind of man that always bounced back.
The echoes of strength, the reflection of love, the eternal source of steadfast respect.
Who kept returning to the person he loved the most, the one he loved the hardest.
The story kept changing, from the one who knew him the best. Knowing she would never let him move on.
That she would never give him the satisfaction of being right.
With all his might he let go running down this new track.

In every adversity, every one of mine that you’ve known, I’ve always pushed on.
Pushed through to save myself, and before I had to become devoid of emotions, and onward and upward I’ve grown.
Clumsy and unsettled, never one for grace, I realized it was time to give you real space.
Whether I was all thumbs or stuck with two left feet, I was ill-equipped for this challenge,this destruction, this feat.

The scary part that echos through my soul,
Is that Misery’s greatest fan exists.

Such a clean break, in that last moment, when the world was right.
In that moment, my past melted away, my future looked clear.
And in a moment of true openness, a portal to my well-being,
To let down my guard, the whole world seeing.
There you were, in all your conniving nature, imposing yourself, challenging my security, and my life’s work and finances you were stealing.

Of course I fought back, I fought for your love.
It was my turn, my life, my belief that together we could rise above,
What I wanted, what I sought, what I needed,
was to feel fulfilled, maybe to feel love,

These trials, tribulations, this tedium has been my strongest lesson in physical, sexual, and mental defense.
So what if I am not perfect I have dropped all pretense.

After all my years on this planet and all that’s been done to me.
A person with a heart would have had some decency.

You’d think nothing would phase me, nothing would get through,
and nothing has, not counting you.

This heart’s made of gold, solid through and through.

Lost my shit, I surely did.
Paid my bills, tried to stop the skid.
To get back on my feet, to truly live.
But you were there to leave me in my darkness and call me morbid.
In my heart you’ve left a whole,
But now, I’ve taken the reigns and pull into full control.

Every step of the way you didn’t want that to happen.
For me to come back, you wanted me trapped in.
So you could run again with the decades of neurological torture,
All the while – claiming your innocence, as I roasted over the fire.

In the late hours, that fateful night,
I pieced part of it together, I begged not to be right.

I knew that December night, I had hoped, I had not found,
The one I knew in my heart, was slashing and burning me alive all around.
All the world, I held, with my hands and my eyes,
They were fighting my future with an extra heaping of lies.
Others blamed my family, one ex-friend called “other people assholes”
And others tell me to move out of state, to move off the coast.
But it’s the assholes, with their subtle not subtle lies I hate most.

Open your mouth, use your words, be honest.
Once more I will have no problem as the moment’s upon us.
For all that’s made up, for step-family and the psychology of fear.
I’m not afraid to stand up and fight back, against you and your fake witch trials.
Your bull-shit stories, your fake news, and your denials.

The one who reached for me,
I really truly hoped and believed,
What I found or so I thought,
was a diamond in the rough,
my destiny, my life, my love,
my protector, my equal,
my oracle, my truth.

It was all a fake,
a mirage, a rouse.
and the plan in motion.

In a cold December, all I had was fear,
And all I wanted, was to get away from here.
Although all these motives, forever are unclear.
It seems, my reputation, you do still smear.
Continue to lie, stoke the fear,
About a boy, who has always been a little more than queer.

I looked high and low,
for a positive lesson,
one that just might show.
Something from which we all can grow.

I think that it is this.
What I believe and what I know,
that life moves on,
With or without you,
the scars will, with time,
just not show,
nor will I, ever let go,

But in the back of my mind,
The one I wanted to find,
who showed up and defined,
the reason I almost died,
yet somehow, I believed,
he was loved and assigned,
but when he left I resigned,
even though our hearts were aligned.

I still wanted to marry you,
that’s the last I wanted to say,
to be together, finally have our way,
but the inlaws jumped in,
committed their sin,
and now, alone, my life anew does begin.

Never do you answer the “why,”
and that is how 9 times I’ve tried,
to end my life and say goodbye,
Because people are assholes,
uncaring, unloving, and humanity has died.

The one final question,
that never got answered,
is all that I wanted,
to hear you confess,
No more, no less,
So onward we part,
or at least try our best.
From strength I grow,
I hope I passed your test.